Sorry I've been absent for a while--busy job searching, and all that. If you know of anyone who would like to offer a starving young composer a job, let me know. In the meantime, some thoughts on life....

I realized recently that my whole life, in almost every phase, has been focused on waiting. Not entirely, of course--I'm exaggerating to make a point. But it's an interesting one. In elementary school, we look forward to high school (not so much for me, since the line was rather blurry). In high school, I was waiting for graduation, and ultimately college. During each semester, no matter how much I enjoyed it, I was waiting for the next break; during each break, I was waiting for school to start again. Ultimately, again, I was waiting for graduation, then waiting for the road trip, then waiting to get back. Now I'm waiting to get a job. But once I get a job, I'll be waiting to get married, then waiting to go to grad school, then waiting again for graduation. Again, it's not that I've been impatient, or haven't enjoyed each stage. Perhaps "waiting" is the wrong word; maybe "looking ahead" is more accurate. It's always been present, in the back of my head, that where I am isn't my ultimate goal, but there's something else I'm working towards and looking to. It reminded me, when I thought of it, of my concept of "coastin'"--a song I wrote whose term came to mean, for myself, coasting through life, keepin' on moving, not putting down any roots or experiencing anything to its fullest. How can I experience anything to the fullest, when I'm always looking ahead to something else?

The road trip turned out to be a great lesson in that regard, ironically. I knew there would be so much more than I could ever record, so I vowed to live in the moment and not worry in the moment about how to save it for future reference (something that I've always done). And so I learned to live in the moment. Then, if I remembered it later to record it, fine; if not, the moment was the important thing. 

I'm not really sure what to do about my tendency always to look ahead. There is, of course, planning that must take place--that's just common sense, and prudence. But I need to learn the lesson the trip taught me on a grander scale: how to live in the stage of life I'm in, and be content, and be here, and not in a job, or in a marriage, or in grad school. God has me here, now.

Still gotta learn that one.


Darth_Harbison said...

Heh . . . I know the feeling. Especially recently. I've had it my whole life, but recently something happened (which you know about but that I'd rather not post on the internet for all to see) which caused me, for the first time, to really, genuinely dislike my life. And even now that I'm over it (so to speak), I really don't think I'd be content with my life if I didn't know that come the end of August everything is going to radically change.

Carly posted on her xanga that she realized that her life so far was going to completely change when she goes away to college, and that all of these things from high school and before that had always been there in front of her were going to disappear. So her New Year's resolution is to cherish every moment . . . I've been working on it myself, but I still have a lot of work to get there, too.

But hey, the first step to recovery is acknowledging that you have a problem, right?

Jessica said...

yeah.. I remember thinking one day during my fourth year of college, "woah! I'm at Cal State Fullerton!" I was remembering being in high school and thinking about how God wanted me at CSUF and now i arrived. i too was thinking about the future, but it dawned on me that i was now in yesterday's future.

Ryan Maguire said...

Totally know what you mean. Thanks for posting man. Good luck on the job serach. Searching for a job can be a drag